Submission as a Feminist Choice

I was pretty much born a feminist, if you go by the words of activist and academic Cheris Kramarae, “Feminism is the radical notion that women are people.”

I grew up with a single mother, a biology researcher turned science teacher who taught evolution and sex ed in a school system that argued with her about both. I can remember coloring in my Precious Moments coloring books while my aunt (a social worker turned attorney) volunteered at a pro-choice hotline for women who needed information about how to obtain a safe abortion.

But as I grew older, my love of reading led me down some dark and lusty hallways adolescent fantasies took the scenic route: I read The Diaries of Anais NinErica Jong’s Fear of Flying, and the Story of O, I watched Rocky Horror Picture Show and was introduced to the idea of “kink” as an alternative/subversion to white Christian values (such as they are). I even found myself watching and rewatching the Castle of Anthrax scene from Monty Python’s Quest for the Holy Grail because the idea excited me so.

"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”
If you haven’t read the Diary of Anais Nin, you are missing out!

As a young adult and a submissive in the making, I had a difficult time processing all of these ideas. I wanted to embrace Anais Nin’s erotic appreciation for feminine submission and Erica Jong’s positive sexuality and freedom, but I didn’t live either of their realities!

I lived in an alternate reality full of sex-starved hypocrites and rapists.

I grew up on overseas military bases, where the population of active duty personnel was roughly 85% male. It created this sort of economy of sexual poverty in which women were the currency. Men treated sex as a scare resource to be hoarded, the access to which controlled. In

In my reality, I was surrounded by young men who competed for the few eligible women (there were rules that prohibited even fraternization between enlisted and officers), and this led to a culture that shamed women who dared to enjoy sex the way the men did. I saw it everywhere: men and boys would barely know a girl before ‘claiming’ her and then, if she flirted with or dating anyone else, she was called a slut or a whore by the first guy and by every jealous spectator. Young women who didn’t know better were often ‘passed around’ the barracks by disillusioned young men who proposed marriage one day and talked about them like they were prostitutes the next.

The rate of sexual assualt in the military is startlingly high and hugely under-reported, due to a culture of slut-shaming the sexual minory (women) and the corrupt politics of the chain of command. If an active-duty victim (female or male) reports an assault, s/he is often threatened with charges of adultery (illegal in the military) and loss of rank. S/he may be assigned duties below rank and will often face harassment from every direction.

Growing up in this culture did not allow room for the development of positive sexuality. Sex was to be guarded carefully or else passed around to be shared by men who would alternately enjoy you and then shame you if you enjoyed it.

I returned to the civilian world in my early twenties, but it took me years to lose the feeling of shame I learned to associate (or at least demonstrate) when engaging in sex. To some degree, I still worry about how others will view or judge my enjoyment of sex.

Good girls should never enjoy sex, or at least not let anyone know about it!

Considering the feminist values of my early childhood, my adolescent experiences with the male-dominated military, and my secret submissive desires… it sure made for some conflicted yearnings!

But the heart wants what it wants. And I want equality and respect as a woman and a submissive.

Let me be clear: I am a woman, first and foremost. I am a woman who chooses to take on a submissive role in my sexual/romantic relationship(s). I choose that role because I find that dynamic sublimely enjoyable and because I have the right to engage in whatever consensual sexual relationship types or specific acts my partner(s) and I happen to find enjoyable (provided they are not exploitive or hurtful to anyone or anything). As an adult woman, I have the right to decide for myself what is right for me. And I choose this.

It’s can be difficult to reconcile the concepts of empowerment and submission, as Morgan at Alternet.org notes:

“It took years for me to embrace my submissive nature, in part because it seemed to be so antithetical to my feminist beliefs. Then I realized that part of being a feminist, for me, is taking control of my sexuality – admitting what I want, and finding a way to have it that keeps me safe in both body and mind. I am fundamentally in favor of everyone being able to admit to, and negotiate, the sex that they want – as long as it does not endanger others.”

In an essay titled, “Why the Female Submissive Scares Us (and Why She Shouldn’t)” Stacey May Fowles says:

“It’s pretty evident that the feminist movement at large is not really ready to admit that women who like to be hit, choked, tied up, and humiliated are empowered. Personally, the more I submitted sexually, the more I was able to be autonomous in my external life, the more I was able to achieve equality in my sexual and romantic partnerships, and the more genuine I felt as a human being.”

The Power of the Submissive

There is a lot said about how the submissive holds the ultimate power. This is because of the universal use of “safe words” in the BDSM community and the constant focus on consent and safety. When a sexual submissive speaks his or her safeword, all action stops.

Unlike the real world where ‘no‘ might mean ‘maybe,‘ and consent often hinges on what a person was wearing or drinking at the time of the assault, in BDSM, consent is given explicitly, often contractually, and can that consent can be withdrawn with a single word. In dungeons or play scenes, there are often monitors there just to ensure the safety and enjoyment of every participant.

“Safe, sane and consensual BDSM exists as a polar opposite of a reality in which women constantly face the threat of sexual violence.”

– Stacey May Fowles

I, for one, would feel much safer in any BDSN dungeon than in any Stanford frat party.

“With all of its limitations, safe words, time limits and explicitly negotiated understandings of what is allowed — is the consensual SM relationship actually the ultimate in trust and collaborative “performance,” its rules and artifice the very antithesis of rape?

 

Paradoxically, sexual submission and rape fantasy can only be acceptable in a culture that doesn’t condone them.”

– Stacey May Fowles

Choosing submission, choosing kink is my right as a feminist.

Sure, there are men (and women) out there who misrepresent themselves as BDSM Dominants and manipulate submissive women or men. I’m sure there are instances of consent violations in BDSM, too. I can’t argue that. But I can argue that women who choose submission are not stupid or incompetent to do so, and that feminism includes empowerment to choose a lifestyle that bring enjoyment, even if it isn’t what others would choose.

“Sadly, claims of sexual emancipation do not translate into acceptance for submissives — the best a submissive can hope for is to be labeled and condescended to as a damaged victim choosing submission as a way of healing from or processing past trauma and abuse.”

– Stacey May Fowles

 

Feminist women should be able to choose whatever lifestyle suits them, and that may include an alternative sexual orientation or practice, the option to never have children or to have many, working in business or working a blue colar job or even not working at all!

Cliff Pervocracy agrees:

“When I look you in the eye and say ‘I want this, I chose this, I sought this out,’ believe me. If you trust women to know their own needs, believe me; and if you don’t, don’t call yourself a feminist.”

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What’s So Appealing About Nonmonogamy? Depends on Your Attachment Style.

How attachment style predicts relationship preferences

I’ve been mulling over my thoughts on nonmonogamy. I have conflicting thoughts and feelings about it, but it seems like an almost unavoidable topic.

Why is nonmonogamy so common in the kink community?

Consensual nonmonogamy (CNM) includes polyamory and casual play or swinging, and it seems to be the norm rather than the exception among those I have met both online (on fetlife) and off (at munches).

I feel the need to premise many of my interactions at these events with a disclaimer just to avoid misunderstandings: Hi. Nice to meet you. I’m not poly, but it’s fine if you are! But I’m not… justsoyouknow.

“CNM differs from monogamy in that all partners in the relationship agree that it is acceptable to have more than one concurrent romantic partner.

Approximately 4–5% of individuals identify themselves as part of a CNM relationship [emphasis mine], an arrangement in which all partners involved agree to have extradyadic romantic and/or sexual relationships.” (Moors, Conley, Edelstein, 2015)

That statistic does not include those who report a history of CNM. In another study, about 21% of the participants reported having had a non-monogamous relationship “at some point in their lives.”

Both of these studies refer to the general population. In my experience, the rate of CNM among those in the kink community is MUCH higher!

My theory is that nonmonogamy appeals to those with avoidant attachment styles.

Based on my reading, it looks like I may be partly right.

What are attachment styles?

For those of you who may not be developmental psychology geeks, Bowlby’s attachment theory posits that attachment styles differ along two dimensions: anxiety (insecurity about partner’s availability) and avoidance (discomfort with closeness to a partner). The idea is that whether an adult is secure (low anxiety, low avoidance) or insecure (high anxiety and/or high avoidance) in his or her adult relationships may be a reflection of formative experiences with his or her primary caregivers.

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Individuals with a secure attachment style score low on both dimensions. These people are confident of their partner’s responsiveness and comfortable with the intimacy of an interdependent relationship. Secure attachment is linked with stable relationships, which are characterized by high trust, commitment, satisfaction, and intimacy, as well as low jealousy (Feeney, 2008).

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It turns out, research shows that secure individuals are less likely to be unfaithful and more likely to enjoy sexual activity within a committed [monogamous] relationship than insecure individuals (DeWall et al., 2011).

Secure individuals are just not as likely to be interested in CNM.

What is the appeal of nonmonogamy to anxious and avoidant individuals?

The anxious attachment style is characterized by fixation on the availability of one’s romantic partner and extreme romantic jealousy (Mikulincer, Gillath, & Shaver, 2002). Anxious individuals tend to obsessively worry that their partners will be “poached” (taken) by someone else (Schachner & Shaver, 2002). Anxious individuals tend to rely on sex as a route for obtaining security and love needs, but they tend to default to their partner’s preferences (Birnbaum, 2010).

Given that anxious individuals prioritize others’ sexual and romantic needs above their own, CNM relationships may exacerbate anxious individuals’ concerns about the availability of their partners and heighten their fears of losing their partner.

A study conducted by Moors, Conley, Edelstein, et al. found that those with an anxious attachment style generally did hold negative attitudes toward CNM; however, this was unrelated to willingness to engage in these nonmonogamous relationships.

The researchers hypothesized:

“Perhaps anxiety was not related to willingness to engage in CNM because anxious people envision both the negative and positive implications of CNM relationships. For instance, highly anxious individuals might see CNM as an opportunity to gain affection from multiple partners but also as involving heightened threat of abandonment by those partners” (Moors, Conley, Edelstein, 2015).

The avoidant attachment style  is characterized by attempts to create psychological distance from one’s romantic partner in order to suppress attachment-related distress (Edelstein & Shaver, 2004). Avoidant individuals may prefer CNM relationships because these relationships allow them to dilute the emotional closeness of one partner by investing less in time and intimacy across multiple partners.

The same study conducted by Moors, Conley, Edelstein, et al. revealed that avoidant individuals generally held positive attitudes toward CNM and reported a greater willingness to engage in CNM (including polyamory and swinging).

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What does this mean for me?

I wish I was a securely attached individual. That would be nice.

I’m not.

I’m somewhere in the middle on both dimensions, vacillating between anxious (preoccupied) and avoidant (dismissive). I tend to crave closeness and intimacy and get attached quickly, but I find it difficult to trust others and so I get uncomfortable and try to create distance as a way to minimize my own dependence on the other person.

For these reasons, nonmonogamy (or at least polyamory) scares me.

Interestingly, I find casual play as a couple to be far less intimidating and more appealing. I think it is because there is less of perceived threat from my partner pursuing a sexual relationship with another person, but engaging in casual play or swinging does offer another way to experience sexual intimacy and intensity with my partner.

I hope further research will consider the differences in the type of nonmonogamy because I do think a there’s a significant distinction between pursuing separate sexual relationships (i.e. polyamory) and engaging in casual play or scenes as a couple.

 

 

Thoughts on My First Spanking

I waited almost 15 years for my first grown-up spanking.

I’ve been swatted at before. I once even worked up the nerve to request a spanking, but because I have only dated vanilla men, it never went further than a light-hearted smack or two. Still, I imagined I might like it.

Why ever would I want to be spanked?

I don’t know when I stopped associating spankings with my mother, but I guess it was in adulthood. I never liked those spankings. The truth is, those spankings were my first foray into power exchange, even if unpleasant. Around the age of 9, I convinced myself that my mother must spank us so much because she enjoyed it. Whether this had any truth to it or not, I understood that saying so was my best chance at hurting her back when she hurt me. This became a demonstration of sorts. Anytime she spanked us, I would  refuse to cry out or show that I was in pain. Instead, I would say to my sister when it was her turn, “Don’t let her see you cry. She enjoys it too much!” (Is that messed up?)

As a teenager, I heard jokes make about spankings, but it wasn’t until I saw Secretary (2002), that I imagined the potential. The film showed a D/s dynamic between a boss and his secretary, and although I have some issues with the film and its assumption that both characters must be unstable to have this kink, it’s still a great story.

Plus, it’s full of D/s tension and relatable kink-isolation angst. And scenes like this:

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Sweet sixteen (or something) and never been spanked

I waited almost 15 years for my first grown-up spanking. And then, at my local munch just the other week, I met someone.

I did not know then that a week later, this man would be spanking me. I did know right away that he was my “type.” Unfortunately, when a man looks like my type (clean cut, professional, conservative-ish), this does not usually bode well (meaning these guys are always vanilla!). But you see, that is the benefit of meeting someone at a munch: at least you know that you have that shared interest!

We kept chatting after the munch. Nothing crazy; we had some sodas and appetizers and then walked around the city for hours, just talking. A few days later, he asked me to have dinner with him (which I did). We’ve been chatting and emailing and seeing a lot of each other since… which is how we found ourselves, predictably, in bed.

 Thoughts on My First Spanking

To be clear, this was not a Secretary-esque spanking, but a fully-consensual sexual spanking. He’s a gentleman, so he was mindful about the level of intensity… but I’ll tell you, there was no point at which it was too intense or painful. In fact, I wouldn’t use the word painful at all, or even uncomfortable.

I LOVED it.

It made me feel present, but more deeply present than I am usually able to be during sex. Every smack was electric and brought me right into my body. I felt my entire body humming at a higher frequency and every strike sent these waves coursing through me. I didn’t want him to stop and I was almost in a trance. It was wild. When he did stop, I collapsed for a couple minutes because my thighs were twitching and I felt overwhelmed… but in a really good way!

The verdict:

More spankings, please!

Also, this guy is great. It might be the oxytocin talking, but I’m smitten.

 

Autistic Subs: The Care of ‘Broken Toys’

Am I an Autistic sub? Maybe. Probably.

Yesterday, I had the initial appointment for a formal evaluation for Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), or what would formerly have been known as Asperger’s Syndrome. It was just a half-hour chat with a neuropsychologist for the purpose of screening. Had that gone differently, she would not have scheduled the following two appointments: a five-hours long day of testing and, three weeks after that, an appointment to review the results.

I showed up with a file folder with relevant reports from my school files and medical record, organized chronologically. I also included a 24-page Word Document I had created (complete with a table of contents), which included my family history, past diagnoses (and misdiagnoses), my interpersonal and professional relationship patterns,  and my past and current behavioral and executive functioning issues. Needless to say, after answering a few questions (it seemed like she could guess exactly what I was like!), she scheduled the day of testing.

I research everything (it’s a compulsion), even Autism and submission.

As it turns out, I’m not the only one who has given some thought to this topic. In the book Broken Toys: Submissives with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction, edited by Del Tashlin and Raven Kaldera, the topic is explored in depth and with surprising clarity. I feel qualified to say this because not only am a. an Autistic (I know this about myself, the evaluation is just a formality), but also b. an experienced psychiatric RN who has done a LOT of reading on the topic of Autism Spectrum Disorders (for obvious reasons).

I will start out with a disclaimer: Although ‘autism’ is commonly associated with general intellectual disabilities, this is an outdated misconception because the diagnostic criteria for Autism have changed. It used to be that approximately 75% of people with autism had a non-verbal Intelligence Quotient (IQ) below 70. This is not longer accurate. Now that Autism Spectrum Disorder has been changed to include the former diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome, an ‘autistic’ can just as easily refer to an individual of normal or even superior intelligence.

I was able to read only a long excerpt from this book at PaganBDSM.org, but this book seems to do a great job discussing the special considerations necessary when navigating Domination and submission relationships involving those with mental illnesses. Depression, anxiety, and even OCD and bipolar disorder are commonly co-occurring in those with ASD. The authors and editors have done their homework. They recommend Dr. Temple Grandin and Sean Barron’s book The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism (a book I have read and loved!) to help Doms better understand the very different ways that Autistic subs may present as either “Spock-like” or highly emotionally expressive and reactive (or both, like me).

Submissive Intimacy as an Autistic

Of particular interest to me were the vignettes from the sub, Joshua, who spoke of his previous difficulty understanding how to connect. I could totally identify, and reading his story gave me even more optimism that a good Dom might help me overcome some of my difficulties in this realm.

“However, my current master was able to get into my head and pull me into those emotions. There was an early stage when I didn’t quite understand what he was subtly motoring me through, but in an egalitarian partnership I would have broken it off, where here I simply followed orders and walked right into the intimacy maze because my master told me to do so, and I was invested in being obedient. I was also very self-enclosed due to a fear of vulnerability, but in a M/s relationship I was rewarded for being vulnerable, so it opened me up in ways I didn’t know could happen.” – sub Joshus in Broken Toys

What Autistics Love About Rules and Structure

When I’ve spoken to ASD s-types in the past, a majority of them spoke about how they loved the narrow, structured life of slavery. Rules gave them comfort, unlike ambiguous social and life situations where they are expected to guess – and guess wrong all too often. Many also lauded the state of having one’s basic decisions made for one – what to wear, how to walk, how to keep one’s hair and nails, what to say to please their partner. Figuring those things out by themselves, often on the fly, was stressful enough that they would rather give up their choices and lay the decisions on someone else.” – Master Raven in Broken Toys

I have to agree with this. One thing that appeals to me about a D/s relationship is the relief of not having to ‘figure out’ what is expected or to be the decision-maker all the time. It’s tiring! I would much rather have someone fill me in and tell me what is appropriate and what my relationship partner wants. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked a boyfriend, What do you want? Are you upset? I think you’re upset but I can’t tell and I don’t know why. If you want me to do a particular thing, you need to tell me! But these ‘nice guys’ are never nice enough to actually tell me… instead, they make me play the fucking guessing game!

A Resource for BDSM and Mental Illness

Before I wrap up this post, I want to mention that if you are involved with anyone with a mental illness, you should check out PaganBDSM. I reviewed some of their other pages, including When Your Bottom has Borderline Personality Disorder (a tricky topic for sure!), and I think they have some good information. I can’t say that it’s written according to the best practice guidelines because there aren’t any!! But having worked with patients with BPD, I can say that I know that D/s relationships likely d0 appeal to many of them. And knowing that these individuals will seek out and enter these relationships, I believe that caring and responsible Doms and Masters MUST know how to avoid feeding into certain aspects of this condition and be prepared for the needs of these individuals.

 

Kink and Self-Acceptance

I’ve been a sub in the making for as long as I can remember.

I started searching for some blogs on the topic of kink and submission. I found a post from a blog called The Story of A called Submission isn’t Just a Sex Thing. It’s a Part of Me.

The author writes about her childhood fantasies:

“I remember spending large amounts of time in the evenings, especially during and after baths, imagining kidnapping scenes, pretending that my ravishers were watching me, taunting me. I offered deals, I pleaded, I cajoled… but nothing would make them waver from their goal—which was usually unimportant anyway. The only thing that mattered was that they held me, and wanted to keep me.”  -Ani

Can I just tell you how much I identified with this post?

It was a huge relief, actually.

I have similar memories from being a child. I also started writing stories around age 10, stories that always featured an innocent girl and a far more experienced and not always benign man. I swear the first sexy short scene I ever wrote was about a girl basically being molested or at least assaulted. There was definitely a consent issue! Did I mention I was 1o years old when I wrote it and then tore the paper to shreds over the trash can in shame?

I’ve been a sub in the making for as long as I can remember.

I always knew I was a weirdo. While all my girlfriends were crushing on JTT, I had built an altar in my bedroom to Jeff Goldblum.

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I had photos of him that I tore out of magazines; I even had his action figure from Independence Day. I fantasized about this tall, brilliant, Jewish man taking advantage of me in the lab while I protested…maybe he’s be angry with me because I inoculated the wrong petri dish, it doesn’t really matter. The fact is, to my 15 year old mind, he represented intelligence, influence, and power; he was 30 years my senior, and he made me hotter than any boy my age.

I have attempted to maintain a sense of humor about my peculiar turn-ons.

I’ve resorted to making jokes to friends about silly ol’ me and my fetish for educated, ornery, Jewish men, for example. When I had to call a friend one night to ask her to pick me up because my drunk boyfriend was texting that he was on his way to my house to kill me, I joked about it. Typical, eh? The nice ones bore me and the hot ones kill me! har-har! But the humor concealed a deep sense of shame.

What is wrong with me?

Why am I only attracted to men who abuse me? I have wondered if I was codependent, just plain dependent, neurotic, or just plain fucked up.

“I can’t not be kinky. I have the ability to have vanilla sex, sure, but I’d really rather not.”  -Ani

I have dated some very nice men. A musician, an attorney, a surgeon, even a state senator, and each of them super sweet and smart! Typically, I dated these men immediately after the less-nice ones, when I was feeling very ashamed of myself and determined to make ‘better life-choices.’ The fact that these men were so nice made it that much worse when I subsequently ended (or sabotaged) each of those relationships because I got bored.

The less-nice guys? At least they didn’t bore me…

The first wasn’t anything special, really. He was just 10 years older than me and he bossed me around a lot. And I liked it. He told me when to blow him and how to blow him, he’d grab me and push me over the bathroom counter to make me watch him fuck me from behind, he’d make me say I liked it… I loved it.

The one who wanted to kill me? He was not that special, either. He was just a mean drunk who got rough when he drank, which was often. It worked for me until it didn’t.

I settled for abusive men instead of looking for a Dominant man.

Because of my shame, I wasn’t willing to admit what I wanted or to look for it. Instead, I subconsciously sought out the traits that I associated with my fantasies. I saw sex appeal where there should have been red flags.

Because of my shame, I didn’t even Google my kink or seek out the community that was waiting there the whole time.

Because of my shame, I didn’t have any guidance about how to look for and recognize a safe or sane Dominant. Instead, I subjected myself to real verbal and emotional abuse and threats of harm from a man who had no interest in my safety.

I love the post from The Story of A.  Each time I read a story like this, I feel less alone and less ashamed. And it is so important to throw off that shame, because it only hurts me.

“When someone asks me how I got into kink, I simply say that I’m wired that way. I have known no other way to live.”  -Ani

 

Acceptance: A Gift from My Local Munch

I went to my first munch last year, after a brief fling with a vanilla guy who tried his best not to look scared when I told him about the things I fantasized about.

I went to a munch last night.

It was my second such event, the last being about nine months ago. A year ago, I had never heard of such a thing. In case you, too, do not know what a munch is, let me tell you.

A ‘munch’ is a gathering of kinky folks just like you.

A munch is a get-together in a public place (usually, though some can be more private) to mingle and chat just like regular people… because they are regular people.

If you have never gone to a munch, I recommend at least trying a couple different ones. I hear they can be quite different, and the experiences vary quite a bit. Some men report that they don’t have quite the same welcoming experiences as women (and I can imagine that). But speaking as a woman, going to a munch is a great way to meet kinky people in a non-threatening setting in a safe, public gathering.

Last year, after a brief fling with a vanilla guy who tried his best not to look scared when I told him about the things I fantasized about, I sought out some kinky support. At the bidding of fellow Redditors, I joined Fetlife with a barely-there profile to evade the creepers, and I scouted out the local events. There were at least three local groups within a 30-minute drive of my home, and one was scheduled for the following afternoon at a popular bar.

I walked into my first munch with my hands literally shaking. I had emailed the group leader before I arrived, to ask her to say hello, and she approached me immediately. My nerves were put to rest almost immediately because everyone looked so normal (what was I expecting?!) and no one creeped on me. In fact, after mentioning that I am a nurse, I was introduced to at least two other RNs in attendance, and I spend the evening chatting away to these like-minded women who were able to make me feel understood and accepted!

I walked into my second munch last night with excitement.

I have yet another failed vanilla relationship under my belt, but I have also gained something in this time; I understand more about my desires. After years of stifling my thoughts, of wondering what is wrong with me, I have come to believe that the sensory experiences I desire serve some purpose for me and in that way, they are not ‘dirty’ or ‘bad.’

With this sense of acceptance for my desires came isolation: What are the chances I will ever find someone to accept me and meet my needs? I have been depressed; I have spent a lot of time alone… So I walked into the munch last night looking for a lifeline. I needed a sense of hope.

Acceptance: a gift from my local munch

Yesterday, my kinky community welcomed me back. My nurse friend gave me hugs. I updated them and we chuckled about the difficulties of vanilla relationships. I told my friend there how confused and frustrated I felt when I tried to tell a guy I recently started seeing how to dominate me (‘Can you choke me a little?’  ‘Would you please just pin me down and fuck me?’  ‘Could you do it harder?’). I learned the term ‘topping from the bottom’ last night.  Talking to my munch friends was exactly what I needed.

Everybody is weird.

The problem is that the vanilla guys I date think I am weird for the wrong reasons.  Or they think my kink is hot, but only in a porno way.

They don’t have the same desires. In the rare instances the men I have dated have been willing to explore kink, they are either a. trying to please me and thus not Dominating, or b. they just want to act out porn scenes. In neither case do they have an understanding of Domination/submission or a similar fantasy.

I suppose I need to stop meeting men on eHarmony. ha ha ha *cough*